Eating Out at a Restaurant (Round 2… Because It’s That Important)

Everyone… and I mean everyone… should either work in a restaurant at one point in their lives, or at least be knowledgeable about the restaurant industry so they know how to dine out. You don’t realize how much you suck at it until you’re on the other side.

Here are a few guidelines:

  • If there is someone standing at the front of the restaurant, they will seat you. It’s not your job to seat yourself, it’s theirs, that’s the point of a hostess, that’s what they get paid to do. If there is a hostess stand but no hostess, just hang on two seconds, they will be back (I promise).
  • Give your server a minute to introduce himself/herself, their just trying to be nice/do their job, it’s rude to bark drinks at the person who has just barely approached your table, it gives them a bad impression and will thus make your service worse. They will ask you shortly what you want to drink, just be patient.
  • Be conscious of how fast you drink your drinks or how often you ask for a refill – their are a pain in the ass, especially when it’s busy.
  • If you want a side of ranch, ask for it when you order. There is nothing more annoying than being accosted mid-walk (possibly by a table that’s not even yours) to get you ten sides of ranch.
  • Not every server in the restaurant is there to serve you. If you need something, instead of asking the first person you see to get you something, ask them nicely if they would mind grabbing your server for you.
  • There are often days when a restaurant is just out of every-effing-thing. It’s not the servers fault. They probably feel super awkward telling you all the shit their out of anyways. They are not in charge of stock, don’t take it out on them.
  • If your food came out wrong, it is also not always the servers fault (yes, they might have rang it in wrong, but don’t jump to conclusions). Let them apologize and fix it for you. I guarantee you that they are not out to fuck up your food and ruin your life… unless maybe you’re a total asshole (which you obviously won’t be after reading thing, right?)
  • Do. Not. Snap. Your server is not a dog. A kind hand motion to catch their attention will do the trick.
  • If you’re over 15 or so, don’t order off the kids menu (usually it’s under 12, but we’re not food nazis). When you’re a table of three 40-something-year-old men, ordering off the kids menu is tacky and cheap and makes you look like an ass. Especially if you assume you get the complimentary dessert then get mad that your server brought your drink in a kids cup. Yes, people, this actually happens.
  • Not all restaurants include big-group gratuity (my restaurant, for instance). On parties larger than 8 or so, restaurants often include a 20% automatic gratuity. You know why? You guys were probably hard as fuck to take care of. However, make sure you check the receipt to see if they do or not. Getting $0.00 on a $350.00 bill just because they assumed gratuity was include is not fun.


Tipping (yes, this deserves it’s own category):

  • Yes, your server has certain parts of their job that they have to do, like greet a table in their section. But in no way does a server have to be friendly, careful with your food and drinks, or come back to check on you and make sure your food’s good. They do that because they’re making tips. Theoretically, better service = better tips.
  • Do you know why servers make minimum wage (and in some states, a separate “server” minimum wage that could be as low at $1.50 per hour)? Because the government assumes they make tips. Think about that real quick. While your job might be “professional”, I guarantee you that working in a full restaurant with 8 table sections is 100x more strenuous and hard-labor oriented then anything you do in your little cubicle. Yes, the base job description of being a server is not too complex, but you try working in a restaurant on a full section on a busy night and see how “easy” it is then. That’s why tipping is absolutely necessary.
  • Does the law say you have to tip? No. Does the law say we can’t accidentally cut our finger in the kitchen, then en route to wash your hands and bandage your cut, accidentally get a few drops of blood in your food, not notice, and bring it to your table for you to enjoy? Nope.
  • That one sounded a little bit grotesque, it was just an example. Personally, I would never do that. But lets just say you’d be lucky to have me as a server.
  • If your food is somehow discounted (maybe you friend got you the hook ups), tip off of the original bill, don’t be a dick and tip off of comped food, because it may be $0.00.
  • 20% of the entire bill should be your base tip, for example $6 on a $30 tab. If you service is noticeably shitty because your server was just not friendly and obviously didn’t care about crap, use your judgement, but do not go below 10%, remember what we’ve been discussing this entire post? If your service is really good, go above 20%!! You’ll make the servers night, I promise. Even leaving $5 on a $15, that’s almost a 30% tip, and it was literally only $5 more dollars out of your pocket!!

Bottom line: don’t be a dick, be understanding, know that 99% of the time the servers just want to make rent, etc.

Thank you and happy restaurant-ing.



An Outlook On Recent Events

Is it just me, or has there been a lot of weird/eff’d up shit going on recently?

Let’s discuss:

  1. Glee star Cory Monteith died yesterday. Although I don’t watch Glee, that hit me pretty hard. So young and talented, and on one of the top grossing shows. Truly horrible.
  2. What’s with all this dog abuse recently? There has been so much news on ‘Police Shooting Dogs’ or ‘Beating Dogs Should Be Considered Torture’. Now I love dogs, so this is obviously concerning. But why now? What did the dogs do to you?
  3. Trayvon Martin. I won’t even begin to talk about that trial.
  4. Did no one even realize that there was a fatal plane crash in San Francisco on July 6th? 3 dead and 168 injured, and we’re focused on the exaggeration of dog-abuse by police.
  5. DOMA was struck down! Yeah!
  6. Paula Deen… Who even knows with that woman?
  7. The 19 firefighters that died in the Yarnell Hill fire in Arizona. Thoughts go out to their friends and families.
  8. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North West… North. West. What the crap?

Anywho, it seems like a lot of random and tragic shit has been happening, and what do people do to react? Jump to blaming Obama and the administration for royally fucking us over. News flash: society is the main contributor to corruption, all the government is trying to do is fix it and make the hopefully majority happy. So stop whining.

How to Take Someone on a Date (for Dummies)

  1. Pick them up. If you don’t have a car, walk or find some form of transportation at least to their house so they don’t have to come get you. If need be, the girl can drive from there.
  2. Pay. Don’t be cheap ass. Most girls won’t push the price on a first-third date.
  3. If you and this girl are in the process of dating/exclusive in any way/mutually like each other, don’t keep her at arms length. If it feels right, just put your f*cking arm around her or something, please.
  4. In the event that she drove, try really hard not to make her drop you off. Say you can get home from her house. This will (1) possibly get you an invite upstairs, and (2) assure her that you’re not reliant on her taking you everywhere. Hey, she might still offer to drop you off.
  5. Text her afterwards saying you had a good time. Simple.

You’re probably thinking, “gee, Zoe, these are pretty obvious steps!” Well, I wish the entire male race felt the same. One awkward date will easily kill your chances. Don’t skimp details.


The end.

Finding the Best Possible Alarm (Ever!)

So, I’m not a morning person. I’m not even a sleeping person. I don’t sleep nearly as much as I should because I always find better things to do (my mom is concerned).

This may just be some fault in my iPhone 5, but I swear my alarms (using the built in Apple alarm app) haven’t been going off the past couple of days. The only reason I doubt myself is because I have a history of waking up, turning off my alarm, falling back asleep, then waking up later and forgetting that it ever went off in the first place. But no, I’m puhRIT-y sure my alarms have not been going off.

This is obviously a problem – what if you have something important to get to, like class?! Haha, yeah right. Anyways, I do like to be woken up eventually, and I simply have not been. 

I just spend a good hour online and in the iPhone app store trying to find THE BEST alarm app; this was some tough work, guys. Now, seeing that I have $6 to my name, I wasn’t real keen on spending any money on an app; however, I figured that being woken up effectively was probably more important than $1.99. Plus, you never really know what you’re going to get with this cheap shit probably created by some random in the outskirts of Iceland using an original 1984 Macintosh…

For your viewing pleasure.

What are some key features in an alarm clock, you ask? Well first, you must be able to customize your own alarm sound from your iTunes, no one wants to listen to “classic telephone” or “intergalactic radio” every time they arise from their deep slumber.

Second, you must be able to close the app (meaning when you double-click the home button, hold down any app, then click the little delete button when they start jiggling), a lot of alarms wont let you do this, this saves battery and I do it quite religiously… aint nobody got time fo figuring out which apps can close and which ones can’t!

Third, the app must work on the lock screen. C’mon guys… Do we really have to keep our phones unlocked all night just so the alarm can go off? That should be a simple one.

Fourth, the app really should be able to work even if your phone is set to silent/vibrate (the little switch on the side is pressed down). Alarms should naturally override any silent setting; I understand wanting your phone to be silent or only vibrate throughout the day, but why the hell would you even have an alarm if you wanted it to be silent? Yeah, pointless. 

Enough of this cheap, half-ass bullshit, we are tax-payers and we want to efficiently wake up every morning!! So someone, please, make a free, effective alarm app, is it really that hard? Do you really want poor college students, like myself, to stress so much over this idea that they feel the need to write an entire blog on it?

I ended up going with Rise, $1.99. It’s aesthetically pleasing, let’s you set your own music, works in the lock screen, etc etc and so forth. We’ll see how it goes… I’m a bit skeptical now.